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Is my marriage holding me back?

Post 203 of 243

This week’s question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from an individual who wishes to remain anonymous.

Question:

How does a marital relationship affect our ability to manifest our dreams? How do you know if a marriage that ‘appears’ to be OK for all intents and purposes, is actually holding you down? How do you know if this is the right person for you, and that you have an environment to realize your fullest potential?

Answer:

You’re probably not going to like what I’m going to write here, but if you’re asking the question, you already know the answer.

If you find yourself making decisions or stopping yourself for fear of what your spouse or partner will think or say, then you really need to take a close look at that relationship.

And I think it’s important for you to understand that no one can hold you down, unless you allow yourself to be held down.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should have the room and freedom that they need to foster their own growth. You have a responsibility to yourself to pursue your dreams, and if your partner doesn’t agree; they have the option to leave.

As Vernon Howard so eloquently states, “Behave the way you really are, even if it ends a relationship. Never suppress yourself in an effort to influence, hold, or win someone. When we are unreal, so are our rewards. To say this in another way, never behave the way you think the other person wants you to behave, but in the manner you must. Nothing you really need to do or have ever requires a yielding to a person or custom.”

So to answer your question…

Chances are, if you’re wondering if a person is right for you, something has given you the thought that they may not be.

Your marital relationship will only affect your ability to manifest if you’re not true to yourself.

Take a look at how you make decisions.

Do you hold information from your spouse because of how they may react or what they may think?

Do you tip toe around them? Or find yourself constantly needing to defend your beliefs?

Take a good, long and honest look. The answer will be obvious, although it may not be easy.

“Just Believe”,®

P.S.: The Neagle Code: DIRECTIONS for LIFE is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone! Each week, I’ll select and personally respond to one question received via the above “The Neagle Code” page that I feel in my heart will help the most people. (You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.) It is my deep, heartfelt intention that ~ in answering your questions ~ I may provide you with the Universal Truths that in committed application, will set you free. Simply submit YOUR burning question at: www.TheNeagleCode.com to participate.

P.P.S.: May I ask you to help me spread the word about this program? Is there someone you care for who is stuck, or struggling, or lost, or unhappy? Because if so, I would very much like to help. No matter their question, no matter their predicament, no matter if they’ve never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help via www.TheNeagleCode.com, my Team and I will do our very best to provide that help.

21 comments:

Diva CarlaDecember 4, 2010 at 8:57 amReply

To the questioner:As you follow through on your process to be true to yourself, you’ll be true to your partner as well. Anyone in this situation needs to check: have you been holding your dreams inside because of fear of your partners reaction? because they triggered you in the past? or because you’ve had frank discussions and you know they are not on the path with you? It’s possible that when people start being honest with themselves and each other, they can move forward together. Be ready for anything. Either path takes courage.

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:59 pmReply

Be ready for anything is right Carla! The truth is crucial when discussing matters of the heart such as these here. Thanks for the post.

AnonymousDecember 4, 2010 at 9:28 amReply

Thanks, yet again, for a thought provoking article. When I looked at the my decision making I found my answer clear, a lot of holding information and tip toeing – but it has not always been like that. After 20 years of marriage my spouse now has a chronic illness with serious physical and mental effects. In learning to support a chronically ill person I have changed significantly, but my spouse has not and is struggling to accept the new limitations in life. Any helpful suggestions gratefully accepted.

Amanda KnightDecember 4, 2010 at 3:00 pmReply

Did you listen to David’s Intention setting class and Q&A calls this week? On the Q&A call he spoke with 2 ladies, one who was challenged with a chronic illness, and another who’s husband was challenged by her growth and choices. As your situation involves both of these there may be insights in those calls for you.

And to you and the questioner: I always think of our relationships as mirrors, reflecting back to us who we are, and healing within ourselves that still needs to take place, such as unresolved guilt, disappointment etc. What ‘I should’ and ‘I have to’s are you saying to yourself rather than ‘I want to’ or ‘I choose to’?

Blessings
Amanda

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 5:02 pmReply

Great to hear from you here Amanda! I love the mirror analogy and appreciate you sharing it here. Well done!

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:58 pmReply

You are very welcome. One piece I would offer to you would be to understand that you are in this situation for a reason and it is allowing you to look at it through a set of lenses. Having to tip-toe and step around our spouses/partners serves no one, and often times creates more problems moving forward. That is where you were.

I feel for your situation, but it sounds to me as if you have made the decision to move forward in growth while your spouse has not. You cannot change another. That is where you are.

Where you are going? That is entirely up to you…

Crist FanningDecember 4, 2010 at 10:42 amReply

I am surprised that you say you are telling them the TRUTH and never mentioned where to find real TRUTH. GOD’S word tells us that two are made one. Where do you get the notion that after we make the eternal committment of that union we have any personal rights. Crist

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:19 pmReply

Thank you for commenting Crist All I can say to you is that the God of my life would not want me to stay in any abusive relationship. In order to be made one both people have to believe that and live in the relationship for God’s glory. When one person decides not to do that and becomes abusive and won’t get help, it’s time to leave.

Angela CroftDecember 4, 2010 at 10:53 amReply

Thanks David :-) I love the Vernon Howard quote…

I also feel that there is value in asking yourself if you are using any perceived or questioned limitations of your relationship as a “reason” for holding yourself back. When we don’t allow ourselves to really show up, we have a funny way of not wanting to allow others to do the same and this leads to our judgements, defences, and reactions… & the potential for blaming the other person for our own shortcomings. If we have the hidden belief, for example, that we must choose between fulfilling our dreams and being in a relationship, we will subconsciously start to create that reality through our thoughts and behaviors and perpetuate the belief.

Along these lines, and what David shared, I feel that a good starting point would be to GIVE what you want to receive from the relationship…and become the person you wish to become regardless of outcome… Begin determining and creating the environment in which you want to thrive…as all too often we wait around for the other person to give us permission or validate our choices, and when we start learning how to just claim what we want, we may often inspire the people around you to do the same…and in so doing find new dimensions and potentialities within the people around us–but you have to risk potentially loosing the relationship in order to find out if s/he will join you on your passionate purposeful journey. Make it an experiment and notice how your relationship changes as you start to express more fully the truth, power and beauty of who you are…and then your actions will clarify your question.

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:49 pmReply

Isn’t Vernon Howard great Angela? I appreciate your comment and agree that the individual responsible for this question needs to begin creating the reality that they desire NOW. It is one thing to say it however, another thing entirely to take action on it and make significant changes commonplace. It is important to remember, this does not have to be hard and if it is, there is some resistance going on from within.

Robert HunterDecember 4, 2010 at 2:19 pmReply

You are right on David. If your partner can’t see the BIG PICTURE and is more interested in you holding or getting just a job instead of going after what you truly can do to make money, it is time to evaluate the situation and move on to greater accomplishments. You have to look at your partners past relationships with her parents, teachers, both school and religions, friends (are they contributing in any way to your potential success) or are they downing any idea you come up with. It’s time to rid yourself of there anchors that are keeping you from moving you forward. It takes COURAGE on your part to realize these things and, as David would say, MAKE A DECISION and the Universe will help you. FOCUS on what YOU WANT AND DESIRE, not what someone else thinks that you can do. STAND UP AND SAY “I AM GREAT AND I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I PUT MY HEARTS DESIRE TOO. It takes COURAGE and backbone to stand up. JUST DO IT and the relief will be astounding!

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:45 pmReply

So true Robert, it does take a level of courage to shine a light on these types of experiences. The decision, although at times difficult to fathom, is often inevitable if we are being held back in what we are here to accomplish. I appreciate your post!

IsobelDecember 5, 2010 at 6:10 amReply

Looking to someone else for empowerment or disempowerment is always going to leave you looking in the wrong direction.

We can only attract what we ARE, so if you feel your spouse is limiting you in any way, they’re simply showing you where you’re limiting yourself. Thank them for demonstrating your own resistance so clearly, then align yourself with what you want. That may mean that your spouse, and other people, remove themselves from your life – or it may mean that you align yourself with another aspect of them now that YOU have changed.

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:43 pmReply

Well said Isobel! I appreciate your post and thank you for taking the time to comment here. We certainly do attract what we are, and if it is something that is not pleasant, we need to ask ourselves why we are choosing to have this experience.

AngieDecember 5, 2010 at 12:19 pmReply

WOW, this post had me on the verge of tears most of the day yesterday after reading it. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. What happened to the notion of give and take? Things can’t always be your way in a marriage? I’ve been married for 26 years…we don’t always agree. My husband supports me most of the time. There are times when I think about being by myself, just having the freedom to do and be whatever I want whenever I want without having to think of how my actions will affect another person. I always pull myself back to the reality that my life isn’t so bad. Relationships are hard and require work. We have some real opposite views in areas…opposites attract! I am not holding my dreams inside, they are out there and he is supporting me. He is even helping me. Do I wish he was more outgoing, yes. Do I wish he was more socialable, yes. Do I wish he didn’t drink so much, yes. Do I wish he was different in any way, yes. Do I love him, yes. Do I support him, yes. Am I there for him, yes. Do I keep secrets, yes… but I think I keep secrets because of my stuff, not his. I have secrets I’ve never shared with anyone … does that mean I have never met anyone who is “right” for me? Don’t we all keep secrets? I think you just sent me to the therapist’s chair … I really need to figure this out.

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:39 pmReply

Thanks for the comment Angie. It has been said that tears are a window to the soul. That you mentioned your emotions around this post speaks about what must be going on within yourself.

Most of us want our relationships to be picture perfect, straight out of a romance novel, but that is not always the case. As long as what you are referring to falls under the guise of the Laws, then all will be well. If at anytime our relationships begin fall out of alignment, and we begin to pull back on our dreams and ambitions, it is necessary to look around and take stock of the situation for what it is.

What you are looking for is already inside of you. No therapists chair necessary…

LOALoveCoachDecember 5, 2010 at 12:56 pmReply

Hey David,

Thanks for this thoughtful article. In my case, I had such a legacy of bogus beliefs from my first marriage, I held myself back from being fully expressed when I first met my now husband.

The Universe continues to have fun with me as I trust Larry (and myself) more and more deeply. I am standing at the doorway of my dreams and able to be myself. He doesn’t have my view about life, he has his own. I am having fun exploring the ways we are developing our new relationship.

In my first marriage, I kept my dreams inside and chameleoned myself to fit with any and everybody else. Now I speak and let the chips fall in the Universal order they are meant to fall in.

The best part of all of this is that I can be fully focused on my business and my fabulous clients on my time. When Lar and I spend time together, we have other passions and interests.

My personal business goals do not include my husband. He is happy with his passions. At first, I felt sad that he didn’t want to talk about my business 24/7….imagine that! But, the truth is, he is interested and wants to know what is important to me, and my business is just that…MY business.

Thanks David for this message. As I step out and become more and more invested in my career, my husband is aligning with my success and that is something I am really blessed by!

Love,
Catherine
http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:25 pmReply

Thanks for the comment Catherine. I appreciate you sharing your story with each of us as it helps to shine lights on our current relationships and the gift that each one is. The alignment you are experiencing is only going to get better as the relationship blossoms…and that is exciting in itself. Continue stepping out there!

Prakash TendulkarDecember 5, 2010 at 11:26 pmReply

David,
Thanks for a thought provoking and guiding article. I agree that both partners should be true to each other and should not have the fear of rejection which pevents them from opening oneself from each other. However if the relationship is not based on love and care for each other and only on caring for individuality then our ego will never allow us to bridge and this will invite frequent fault finding and strained relationship. instead if the relationship is based on trust ,love and care there is better understanding of each other,s requirement and needs.

davidneagleDecember 7, 2010 at 4:22 pmReply

You’re welcome Prakash, and thank you for the post. Building relationships around trust, love and care is very important and allows for the kind of growth we aspire for.

MonaJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:26 pmReply

Hi David,

What can I say … I am not sure how many years it has been since you mentored me. But I do remember me working with you thinking great…. he is going to teach me everything I need to know to make my business at the time soar and I will have buckets of money rolling in.
I remember saying to you… I want to do what you do…. and then I opted to keep working on the business I was in….. and sometimes what we think we are going to get and what we actually get are two different things indeed.
At that point – although on the outside I looked all together, dynamic and able – but on the inside – a mess – no self esteem – walls crashing in around me.
What needed looking at was my marriage and me facing what I already knew. Yes you helped me make money…but more important you helped me face what I already knew and that was the marriage I was in was not serving me at all… there was absolutely, at that point…NO WAY… I could thrive and live my blessings to their fullest with the onslaught of negative, esteem bashing, hurtful things that were coming at me in my house.
SO… thank you, as for now…. with you being my springboard, I am doing what you are doing…. in the way you started way back when..this is where I am at now…which is a long way from where I was….. and still a ways from where I am going..but now after much inner work…. I have attracted someone who completely supports what I am doing, how I want to do it and showers me with love and accolades and lifts me while I climb ( and I do the same for him too).
You once said to me, and I will never forget… this was regarding my children and leaving their father…” Mona, you act as though this would be the worst thing in the world ( and in my belief system at that time it was), but ( you said) what if it is the best thing in the world… the best for you and the best for the children…what if….?” And you were right…. it was and is the best…. THANK YOU! Mona

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