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Cheaters cheat for only one reason

Post 118 of 225

This week’s question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.

Question:

Dear David,
A year ago I decided that I wanted all lies out of my life and within 3 days of making this decision, my life had literally shattered into a million pieces after I found out that my husband of 23 years was having an affair. We separated days later and although I am glad that I found out the truth, I have also been left with the job of picking up the pieces of my life alone, with no help. I understand that as you say, I am the center of my own universe, and I am the one that created that relationship, and I am happy to take responsibility. I am studying the laws and trying to pull my life together by working with the laws but my question to you is – when I eventually meet another man how will I know if can him trust him. How can I use the laws to ensure that I don’t waste any more of my life on unsuitable people?

Answer:

Hi, and thanks for your question.

The Law states that we attract what we are, not what we want.

So to use the Laws to ensure that you don’t waste any more of your life on unsuitable people, you must get very clear with yourself as to why you would have attracted your husband and his subsequent actions.

If everyone in our life is a mirror for us, and no one is a victim, then we must take responsibility for everything in our lives and see the lessons as they are.

Cheaters cheat for only one reason.

They don’t have the courage to say what they want.

Is this also something you struggle with?

Do you have difficulty saying what you want, even if it means the loss of a relationship or judgment from those around you? Is there something you were lying to yourself about?

Once you have clarity around why you attracted the affair into your life, you must go to work on getting very clear about the person you’d like to meet.

You see, we are not taught how to attract a partner. Most relationships start with a physical attraction, and we fall in love, and most times, we fall in love with the wrong person.

To really make sure that you’re attracting an ideal relationship you must write out what qualities and values you’re looking for, and then you yourself must live those qualities and values.

Use that list as the authority in deciding if a relationship stays or goes, and it will help you find a relationship that will bring more life to you both.

“Just Believe”,®

PS: The Neagle Code: DIRECTIONS for LIFE is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone! Each week, I’ll select and personally respond to one question received via the above “The Neagle Code” page that I feel in my heart will help the most people. (You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.) It is my deep, heartfelt intention that ~ in answering your questions ~ I may provide you with the Universal Truths that in committed application, will set you free. Simply submit YOUR burning question at: www.TheNeagleCode.com to participate.

PPS: May I ask you to help me spread the word about this program? Is there someone you care for who is stuck, or struggling, or lost, or unhappy? Because if so, I would very much like to help. No matter their question, no matter their predicament, no matter if they’ve never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help via www.TheNeagleCode.com, my Team and I will do our very best to provide that help.

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24 comments:

Rosemary HeenanSeptember 1, 2012 at 9:43 amReply

David, thank you for this explanation of why people cheat in relationships. It makes perfect sense.
Warmest,
Rosemary

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:07 pmReply

Thanks Rosemary. It is a tough pill to swallow when we attract these types of situations in our lives, but the laws don’t work half the time. We attract both the good and the bad, and all of them become opportunities for growth. I appreciate the post.

Marlene ChismSeptember 1, 2012 at 10:22 amReply

Brilliant article. When I experience something in a relationship that I don’t like, I ask myself three questions:
1. When have I done the same thing?
2. Am I now doing that same thing on some level?
3. What is the payoff for me to allow this in my relationship?

We are either in a blind spot or we are in some way avoiding responsibility.
Thank you for this inspiration, David.

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:05 pmReply

Thanks for the post Marlene, and for sharing your three questions when going through the relationship experience. Asking those questions will definitely help others to gain sense and awareness around those situations. I appreciate you sharing here.

SherriSeptember 1, 2012 at 10:51 amReply

What an irresponsible answer. She didn’t attract an affair she attracted a person who made their own choice for their own life. Their are other factors at play here. She can ask herself questions as you say but no need to make one feel guilty for shit someone else decided.

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:14 pmReply

The truth is, she attracted the experience Sherri. Universal Laws don’t work part-time, and if you beleive in Universal Truth, you must take responsibility for creating everything in your life. All the good and all the bad. You are correct, there are other factors at play here, and very rarely does an affair happen when two people are openly communicating about their wants, needs and desires. I appreciate the post.

Miss CSeptember 8, 2012 at 10:29 amReply

If we stop looking at the experience and only focus on the people involved in delivering it, we risk creating a dynamic of bad guys vs. victims.

Many people are happy with embracing that worldview: I would have to say that it never seems to end well, and that the more one identifies as a victim, and perhaps starts relating closely to others who have suffered bad times, the less power available to move out of that state until eventually, for many, it becomes their sole identity. Once that happens, defending that identity is the natural next step, thus closing out any voices that might liberate us.

We can make a choice in any situation to reclaim 100% of our responsibility – maybe not all in one go, and never in any way that blames ourselves – and with it retain 100% of our power. Or, we can say, “I am a very good person to whom bad things randomly happen” and then perfect that way of doing things.

I don’t understand why people are happy to proclaim that they have immense compassion for others suffering in this world, and yet when asked to accept responsibility for their own experiences, assume that this involves blame, guilt, shaming, all that stuff they would never do to anyone else in pain – where’s that compassion now?

There seems to be no bottom limit on despair and sickness, poverty, etc: once invited in, they never let up on someone and say “Hey, we didn’t realise how BAD you were hurting, shucks – here’s a hand up, and $1,000,000 compensation!” – you have to make the choice, hard as it seems sometimes, to consciously steer life in a different direction.

We can enter into a staring match with the abyss, and hope it blinks first (it won’t – I’ve tried) or we can walk away and seek the higher ground.

Understanding the Universal Laws is the first step towards taking a different path; very quickly it becomes obvious that it’s only as hard as we want it to be, and only hurts so long as we want to hold on to some victim status for ourselves, some little talisman of powerlessness disguised as innocence, as compensation for the hard times.

SueSeptember 1, 2012 at 11:33 amReply

This ‘I’m accountable for everyone’s actions because I attracted it’ BS makes me furious.

NONE of us are accountable for the actions of someone else. We are only responsible for our own. This concept is breeding a world of ‘ YOUR issue, not mine.’ NO one is accountable anymore for their actions because it all goes back to what WE attract. This is creating a genre of new psychological and emotional depression and illness we as practitioners are being bombarded with. We have a place in this incarnation to respect everyone no matter what their status. They are united with us. Everything. United.

If you use this ‘you attract what you are’ BS with those of us who lost people in 9/11 ~~ concentration camp victims~ victims of rape~victims of stalkers~this woman going thru divorce – well, let’s just say you deserve what you get. Sorry, David. We are ALL accountable for our OWN actions. Period.

David NeagleSeptember 7, 2012 at 8:52 amReply

Sue, I never suggested that we aren’t. In fact, that is the only thing I teach is that we ALL have to take 100 percent responsibility for our own actions. We create our world by doing just that. If a person finds themselves in a relationship with a partner who cheats on them, the person who was cheated on is not responsible for the actions of the cheater. However, they did choose to be in a cheating relationship. The reason for this is that they are not honest with themselves and in fact cheat in many ways themselves. Maybe not with other people, but with themselves or in other ways. You see, a victim must always have a perpetrator in order to be a victim. It can’t be any other way. I would also suggest you address your own defensive attitude and refusal to fully step into your own power by suggesting we live in a victim world.

Miss CSeptember 8, 2012 at 8:17 amReply

Sue, I felt your anger over those very same issues for a long time, eventually I had a breakthrough when I realised that, as David has stated, we attract what we ARE, and NOT what we want, nor in some way what we “deserve” in terms of how good we are, how loving we are, or any other conventional merit.

In that respect it is exactly like any other law of nature, such as gravity, which can hold you safely to earth, or kill you if you jump from a great height – caring not one whit for your good deeds or nice personality.

It can hurt to see that, especially if you’ve suffered serious pain in your own life (and most of us have) and would like nothing more than to be told it was nothing to do with you – it hurts double when you realise that we really do live in a society whose drug of choice is self-pity, and which has elevated victim status to a form of sainthood.

If you have trouble with that last, remember that the “1%” of bankers, global traders, and moneymen that society is currently railing against hold the exact same role in society as the people who died in the Twin Towers on 9/11, and consider carefully the difference in how the media views that group when the victim label changes hands.

The step I chose to take in the first instance to liberate myself was to assume these laws apply 100% to ME, and leave my need to apply them to, for example, rape victims, or children with abusive parents etc, firmly alone.

Once you feel able to let go of the world’s pain as a tool to bludgeon home your own sense of entitlement to compassion, via victimhood, you’ll be able to see your own issues more clearly. You don’t need to judge other people: it’s enough to be there for them if they ask, and if it’s appropriate to do so.

I’m sorry if I’ve stated that a little strongly but the only way you will be able to make a change in your life and in this world for the better is to reclaim your own power. Or, don’t – it’s a free world – and see how that works out for you.

BeauSeptember 1, 2012 at 12:47 pmReply

David, could you please recommend reading resource to learn to use the Laws? Thank you.

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:00 pmReply

Read ‘Working With the Law’ by Raymond Holliwell. That is an excellent place to start.

TanishaSeptember 1, 2012 at 6:47 pmReply

I hope my experience and view point is useful to you!

To be brief, I have also been through serious infidelity, and some other unbearable things with a husband, and there is a lot that goes on with your emotions. There were unbelievable issues no one I knew could relate to in the least.

As I worked on myself and my business, I began up-leveling again and again until I reached a tipping point, a point where I was ready to breakthrough in a big way. I finally really stepped up my commitment to some of David’s teachings and IMMEDIATELY, the very first day had a massive up-leveling that continued on. A few days later, I finally had the self-love to realize I needed to move on, and we separated and filed for divorce.

From there, I had the same question as you. I realized I’m a different person already, and in my more enlightened, up-leveled state (for me it built slowly over years, even through seriously lower/tough years, then it shot up super fast [like a bamboo tree!]), I finally believe FOR REAL that I can and will attract a man I can trust and who is worthy of me, and I am worthy of. I don’t know where or when, but I am at total peace about it. I also know the things to ask now and the signs to recognize so I can get the heck out right away when I see them. It actually took me THREE marriages, and a lot of other growth to get to this place of understanding. I realize it never had to be that way, but it was and I’m thankful for all of it. I didn’t TRY to believe I could trust a man again, I just recognized that I didn’t, then I kept working with Truth, and all of a sudden, the peace was there and I discovered I could trust and believe and hope.

I followed the laws. I started taking care of yourself first (re-established things I actually enjoyed in my life again). Do that and up-level again and again, until you reach the point where you realize you can trust a man as well as yourself to make the choice that will make you happy. This place of peace and awareness IS out there. It IS there the whole time. It’s actually IN you already. Keep growing and you will realize it. When I finally really stepped up, it only took me less than 2 months to get to this place of peace and awareness. The whole journey took longer, but again, the bamboo tree…

I hope that encourages you. Many great experiences and blessings to you!

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:20 pmReply

Thank you for sharing here Tanisha. It takes tremendous courage to write what you did, and I can see the amazing progress you have made through this new found awareness. You are living your life in alignment with the Laws, and that is such a great place to be in. I will never go back, but am grateful for the opportunity to change, adapt, and grow.

Julie Van De WyngaerdeSeptember 2, 2012 at 12:47 amReply

I love this story and example, and want to incorporate this wisdom into my own life. I once heard you say that you will be creating and teaching a course about relationships. I hope that you offer that one soon!

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:01 pmReply

Thanks for the post Julie, and the subtle reminder. Perhaps very soon this conversation around relationships and teaching it will come to fruition. Appreciate the post.

NitsanSeptember 2, 2012 at 10:08 amReply

“The Law states that we attract what we are, not what we want.” The ground moved when I read that. I will hold that statement today to see how I live that.

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:02 pmReply

Aside from the ground shaking Nitsan, what moved inside you after reading this? Would love to hear back and gain some insight as to what shifted.

NitsanSeptember 8, 2012 at 6:20 pmReply

Here is how that statement challenges me: If I want to attract people who look at return on investment and not on how much my service costs– then I must be that, not want that. If I want to deal with people who can face an opportunity and decide from a place of power– i must be that. Now I come up against all the opportunities in my day and see how afraid I am to choose from abundance, where I do choose lack and where I choose abundance. I cannot fool people or manipulate them into a sale. I must grow myself. As I focus on me and grow so i will naturally attract what I want.

DeborahSeptember 4, 2012 at 8:58 amReply

Thank you David this helped me..

David NeagleSeptember 6, 2012 at 2:03 pmReply

You’re welcome Deborah, I’m glad to hear that.

SarahSeptember 8, 2012 at 7:02 pmReply

Hi David,
I have followed your work for some time and read this post with particular interest.Since the failure of my own marriage many, many years ago I seem to be drawn to men who are not avialable actually emotionally. Interestingly this has lead me to live in conflict with my fundamental values, so a duality appears which has created the feeling of discord within myself. When I read this post it struct a cord and I have to say I “settle” for these relationships as I don;t feel like anyone else will want me.It also keeps me safe. Its not a great admission however I am acknolwdeging and owing its part of my bahaviour and one I am stepping out of.
Thanks for the great post.

Carmin WhartonSeptember 15, 2012 at 10:38 amReply

Wow Sarah. I was about to post something about having drawn emotionally unavailable men to myself for years and then I saw your post and I don’t need to. I will add one thing though, I sincerely believe that my repeated bad choices in men is tied to having been raised in a home with a father who loved my mom, me and my brother but experienced difficulty is showing his love the way we expect to see love. This made him emotionally unavailable to us and when I look back over my relationships, I have been drawn to men much older than me who were emotionally unavailable. Until I was able to heal my relationship with my deceased father (I had to settle for healing the memories) realizing he did the best he could based on his upbringing, I was not able to see my deficits which continued to draw the same type of men to me.

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