When your spouse doesn’t share your money mindset
This week's question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.
I’ve been studying your teachings for some time now, but my husband has no interest in wealth mindset. We both have very different beliefs around spending and it’s starting to create some problems for us, especially when we plan trips or larger purchases (like furniture). Do you have any suggestions on how to navigate this?
If you and your spouse have different beliefs around money, I recommend that you both start taking responsibility for yourselves.
Make your own money, have your own banking accounts, and split the joint bills and expenses.
If you want to save for a trip and he doesn’t, go without him or offer to cover the cost of the trip, but be prepared for him to do the same.
So many couples struggle with money, especially if one partner makes more than the other. Sometimes it works great and other times it’s incredibly disempowering for the person who is not the breadwinner.
If you feel like your decisions are limited by your husband’s money mindset, you need to have a heart to heart conversation with him, and let him know that from now on, you’ll both be responsible for the bills, but that everything else will go into separate accounts.
This gives him the freedom to do what he wants with his income, and it gives you the freedom as well.
It’s against the Universal Laws to ask him to change. This way, you’ll both have the freedom to believe what you want about money, and spend and save as you wish.
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But what about the principle of being equally yoked? I can’t remember where I heard it, but you’ve no doubt heard the story of how one plough horse can pull X number of pounds, but two horses together can pull not 2X, but 3X, and if they train together they can do much better; not just 4X but 8X. Wouldn’t going in separate directions from a spouse financially be a cop out, if you don’t first try to address and resolve differences and then pull together? And if you separate financially, you can’t help but separate emotionally too (I’m a divorce lawyer, I know).
Thanks for the post Eric. This really isn’t about separating financially, it’s about honoring each others beliefs. Each will be responsible for shared expenses, but each also does what they want with whatever is left over. You’d absolutely first try to address and resolve the issue, but if that’s not possible, taking responsibility for themselves is the healthy option. And I disagree that separating financially will separate people emotionally. There are many, many people who are in healthy intimate relationships but keep their finances separate.
I actually did this around 13 years ago as I was constantly resentful of the fact that from my point of view my husband wasted his money and he was getting sick of my ‘nagging’ about how he spent money. So in order for it to not become a major issue in your relationship like it was starting to, I took the exact approach above. As long as he contributes his share of our joint outgoings every month then his money is his money and likewise mine is mine. It was the perfect solution for us and diffused a very emotive situation that if left could have led to seperation as it does for a lot of people. We would never have resolved our differences with money because we are just too different so it was about finding a way that worked for us both. And I agree with David that having seperate finances will not seperate people emotionally. In our case it was seperating the finances that strengthened the relationship not weakened it.
Thank you for sharing Audra. Very happy to hear you resolved your differences and that separate finances did not pose a point of contention for you and your husband. Here’s to you and your happy marriage!