Tag: Unshakeable Self Confidence Series

Very few of us were taught to listen to our own voice, especially when it conflicted with the people who raised us.

As a result, most people continue to look to others for who they should be, what they should want, and how they should live their lives.

They never step into their own authority.

The self-confidence that they were born with lies in tatters.

And they never discover what they are truly capable of being or doing.

I think that’s criminal. And that’s why I’ve spent the past few months teaching you my five-step process for rebuilding your natural self-confidence.

Now, before I close this series, I want to leave you with one last teaching and a tool

Confidence Is a Decision
You could spend a lifetime getting ready to be your own authority, but that, alone, does nothing.

You have to make a decision.

You have to draw a line in the sand and say: “Enough! No one knows what I want better than I do. No one else is in charge of me but me.”

To help you make your decision clear and firm, I want you to create your own Circle of Self-Authority. It will only take a couple of minutes, but, as I’ll explain, its results can be far-reaching.

My Circle of Self-Authority

Fill in the spaces below.

This is who I am and what I stand for:

___________________________________________

This is what I want in my life:

___________________________________________

This is what I aspire to be, do or have:

___________________________________________

These are the experience I want to have in my life:

___________________________________________

This is how much money I want to make:

___________________________________________

This is how I want to give back to others in my life:

___________________________________________

This is also important to me:

___________________________________________

Your Rallying Cry to the Universe
Now, stand behind your list.

Allow everything in your life to emanate from it.

Let it determine who your friends and associates are, what you will and won’t tolerate, what agreements you will make, what direction you will go in, even where you choose to go on vacation.

If you stand behind yourself like that, not only will your self-confidence soar, but the universe will hear your firm decision as a rallying cry and begin to bring to you the experiences and people and opportunities that you’ve decided to have

In addition, your list will help you separate the wheat from the chaff.

We’re all bombarded with offers every day. If we’re not vigilant and focused on our goals, we can very easily get pulled off by the next, new shiny object into one direction after another that doesn’t serve us.

However, with your clear set of parameters about who you are and what you want, assessing new opportunities is easy.

Just ask yourself, “Does this move me closer to my goal?” If yes, consider it.

If not, walk away, secure in the knowledge that everything you need and want is on its way.

And your next step toward the future you’ve chosen is right around the corner.

If you practice Steps 1-4 as I’ve been teaching you to do in this series, a rise in self-confidence will occur as a natural result.

In other words, if you identify the thought that is keeping you stuck, and then replace that thought with one based on Universal Law (Steps 1 and 2), you’ve dealt with the part of your problem that you are consciously aware of.

However, it is often difficult to identify the real problem.

For example, earlier in this series, I told you about my client who was afraid to make sales calls because he cared so much what people thought about him.

I helped him to understand this was because he was still trying to get approval from his father, and because he didn’t accept himself.

Therefore, every sales conversation became a conversation with his father, where he wanted his prospects to accept him, too.

Not only does that kind of neediness repel clients, but if he’s seeking approval from his clients, he can’t help them. For instance, he won’t say what they need to hear if they might get mad at him as a result.

That’s not serving the client. That’s serving his own ego needs at the expense of the client.

Confidence from the Inside Out
When you put a new roof on your house, you don’t want to just slap new shingles onto a rotting roof deck. You want to make sure the decking is sound.

That’s why in Steps 3 and 4 I had you go deeper, into your subconscious, which, in fact, directs your results.

To change negative beliefs in your subconscious, I asked you to identify the cause of what you want, and then take bold action toward that goal.

For instance, the cause of deep friendships in your life is to be a friend yourself, and to take bold friendship actions on a daily basis.

By taking bold action, you get a new result, which your subconscious has to accept. That creates a new belief that then begins to direct even better results. And step by powerful step you begin to change your life for good.

This naturally infuses your entire being with confidence from the inside out.

Acknowledge and Celebrate
So here we arrive at Step 5, where you begin to see those fruits of your diligence and hard work.

The life you want is beginning to unfold before your eyes, and your confidence continues to grow. As your confidence grows, you take bigger and bolder actions, which creates an amazing upward spiral of results.

That’s wonderful, but don’t just gloss over your success.

Don’t just move on to the next big thing, without acknowledging your accomplishment, without saying to yourself: “Hey, look what I did!” Without feeling that healthy flush of pride, and letting it rush through you.

That’s why Step 5 is about acknowledgment and celebration.

I want you to pause for a moment to look back at how far you’ve come.

Revel in your new-found, unshakeable self-confidence.

And give yourself a big pat on the back for a job well done.

Like most people, you probably have some areas of your life that are abundant, and some that aren’t.

You probably also have a story about why you’re not abundant in those particular areas.

If you’ve been following this series, you know that story is very likely a lie. It’s an excuse that is preventing you from having what you want.

Because, as I told you last time, whatever you’re experiencing or not experiencing in your life is just an effect.

It’s the direct result of something you’re doing or not doing.

It follows, then, that every result that you want to have in your life would have a direct cause as well.

Identifying that cause was the work of Step 3.

For Step 4, I want you to outline the path that Step 3 uncovered, and then take bold action toward your dream.

How to Make It Bold
I say “bold,” because it’s an engine; it’s a force that strongly pushes forward what you want.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

If you take lackluster actions, you’re going to get lackluster results.

But if you take bold actions, you’re going to get bold results.

So what do bold actions entail?

They usually put you on the line in some way. You might be exposing yourself, risking disapproval or rejection, or upsetting someone’s idea of who you should be.

A Bold Example
For example, let’s say that, as a youth, you were teased or bullied. As an adult it’s difficult for you to trust, and you’re carrying around an “I can’t have friends” story in your head.

Now, tired of being isolated and lonely, you’ve decided to change that old story, so that you can have healthy, supportive, fun, and intimate friendships.

When you applied Step 3, you realized that the cause of rich friendships was to look at yourself and consider how you can take steps to BE a better friend yourself.

Applying Step 4, you now make a list of bold friendship actions and start doing those actions on a daily basis.

Those bold friendship actions include:

* call one acquaintance every day, just to say hello and ask how they're doing.

* send one thank you card every other day to someone who made a difference in your life.

* take responsibility for a past misunderstanding or argument, and make a weekly phone call to make amends.

* allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust, and open up about something that matters to you to someone you want to be closer to.

How Bold Changes Your Life
By putting yourself on the line and risking rejection on a daily basis, you are giving yourself a new experience that runs counter to your old story, and that your subconscious has to accept.

This creates a new belief, an “I can have friends” story that allows those friendships to manifest in your life, while also building your self-confidence.

Before long, you’re brimming with healthy friendships and confidence, and your life will never be the same.

As I told you last time, if you want to change the subconscious beliefs that are creating undesirable results in your life, you need to take action.

But, of course, you don’t want to take just any old action.

You want to take the action that’s going to lead to the result you want.

You want to make sure that you’re pushing the right thing in the right direction.

How do you determine what that right action should be?

That’s what Step 3 is all about.

Cause and Effect
Step 3 is based on the Law of Cause and Effect, which states that whatever you send out into the universe comes back to you.

Every action has a reaction.

Every cause has an effect. And every effect has a cause.

For example, let’s take money. Money is an effect.

The abundance or lack of money in your life is the effect of something you’re doing or not doing.

Your lack of money isn’t caused by the economy or the class in which you were raised or your lack of training and education.

Those are all excuses we tell ourselves so that we don’t have to take actions that might expose us or make us look foolish or upset someone’s idea of who we should be.

Think of all the sales calls you never made, the opportunities you never followed up on, the rates you were reluctant to raise.

A myriad of actions and inactions causes abundance and the lack of it. And all of those actions and inactions create the balance in your accounts.

The same is true for every effect, every result, in your life. Every effect in your life has a direct cause.

What Is the Cause of the Result You Want in Your Life?
Therefore, it follows that every effect, every result that you want to have in your life would have a direct cause as well.

And that’s why in Step 3 you want to identify the cause of the new result that you want in your life.

It’s actually pretty simple in today’s day and age to figure this out. There’s always somebody you can ask or information you can get from the Internet.

It is a little harder to employ because it does take some effort. There’s no question about it. But figuring it out is not difficult to do.

And once you identify the cause of the result you want, not only do the actions you need to take present themselves, but you will feel empowered as well.

Because you will begin to realize that, ultimately, you are the cause. YOU are the cause of the abundance in your life, in every area.

For instance, let’s say the effect you desire is more friendships — healthy, supportive, fun, intimate — friendships.

Then the cause of that would be to look at yourself, and consider how you can take steps to BE a better friend yourself, and start doing those friendship actions on a daily basis.

Once you start taking those actions, as I’ll show you in Step 4, you will start seeing results, and you’ll feel your tremendous power to bring in as much of whatever it is that you want in your life.

You won’t let anyone else dictate the actions you take. You’ll be free from the perceived constraints of others.

You’ll be well on your way to building the kind of self-confidence that truly is unshakeable.

This series is showing you how to create a new, unwavering belief in yourself.

That way, you’ll pursue your own vision of happiness, and not waste time doing things because other people say you should. You’ll know what you want and go after it.

We got that ball rolling in Steps 1 and 2, when I had you determine the thought, belief or story that was keeping you from seeing the results you want, and then replace that thought with one based in Universal Law.

In Step 3 and 4, you’re going to start creating real change in your life, but in order to do so you have to understand the foundation for why your efforts can be so successful.

How Beliefs Are Formed
Your subconscious does its best to keep you right where you are. It’s designed to carry out programming, and it does that job very well.

Who controls the programming of your subconscious?

You do, with your ability to accept or reject an idea.

However, you don’t develop that ability to reason until about age seven. Until then, without realizing it, you simply absorb the beliefs of your guardians, teachers, and others around you.

By the time you become aware of your consciousness, you are already seeing through a filter of your programming, and you don’t even realize it.

The problem is compounded because your programming creates your reality, the situations and circumstances in your life, and then you react to those circumstances in the way that you’re programmed to do, and, thus, perpetuate the cycle.

In addition, since you’re trained to experience life with your five senses, you likely perceive that everything that is happening around you is not only real, but fixed.

You probably say things like, “This is the way that it is. This is my experience. This is reality,” when, in fact, it’s just what you’re creating in the moment.

Are you beginning to understand why you might be stuck?

How, try as you might, on certain issues, you just haven’t been able to make any headway?

Your New Reality
Now, the good news is that you can change your subconscious through experience.

If you give yourself a different experience, by taking action, your subconscious has to accept it, and then you form a new belief and start to create a new reality from there.

Your subconscious starts generating results based on your new belief, and your self-confidence grows.

For example, I had a student who literally changed her life by flying first-class to Europe. That experience emboldened her so much, that over the next two years, she transitioned out of her old business, which she’d built because it was “safe,” and created a new business of her dreams.

She is now so much more confident, that she’s hardly recognizable to family and old friends.

Her experience is far from unique.

As you grow in confidence, you start taking bigger actions, which create bigger and better results.

And before you know it, you’re trusting yourself implicitly, and your life has truly changed.

Did this happen to you?

Did you get stuck or confused as you tried to apply Steps 1 and 2?
(As you tried to determine the thought that keeps you from seeing the results you want, and then replace that thought with one based in Universal Law?)

If so, I encourage you to try again.

It’s almost certainly the case that you got stuck because weren’t working on the correct problem.

You see, most of us have layers and layers of stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, so it can be a real challenge to accurately identify the thought, belief or story that is the core of our difficulties.

In other words, your issue likely isn’t what you think it is.

Case Study: Fear of Sales Conversations
For instance, a student of mine had a lot of fear come up around sales conversations and thought the core problematic belief had to do with the outcome, so he might have created this Step 1:

I can’t do sales conversations because I’m afraid they won’t be successful.

While that might be true, it wasn’t the problem that was keeping him stuck.

The real issue was about his father.

He was a grown man, but he kept getting hooked into an old story that was triggering fear with other people. He had the secret hope and wish that his father would stop rejecting him and start accepting him.

Because this was all subconscious, every sales conversation became a conversation with his father.

He wanted his prospects to accept him. He needed them to accept him, because he didn’t accept himself.

Once he realized the right problem, he could then apply Steps 1 and 2 correctly:

Step One: I want to do sales conversations, but I can’t because I might be rejected, which triggers the rejection I felt from my father.

Step Two: I can do sales conversations because the outcome doesn’t matter to my self-esteem. Whether the person chooses to work with me or not, I accept myself. I am worthy just as I am.

Can you see the difference that would make?

Freed from his need to be accepted by the people he wants as clients, instead, he can show up powerfully and serve them.

A Common Problem
I used my student’s story, because it’s very common.

Many people desire approval more than money, but most people aren’t aware of that. They just struggle and don’t know why.

When you’re making sales, you’re putting yourself in the position of being rejected more than being accepted. That is a mathematical fact in business. More people say no than yes, and that goes for every business on the planet.

So you have to get to the point where you approve of yourself, and you are your own authority.

That’s what this series is all about.

So try again with Steps 1 and 2, and begin to kick your core problem to the curb.

And then with Step 3, next time, you can finally start seeing the results that you want in your life.

(Click here to find the earlier Step 1 and Step 2 articles.)

Strong words in that title, but how else would you describe the thoughts, beliefs and stories that undermine your efforts to have the life you want?

That’s why Step 1 of my Five Simple Steps to Unshakeable Self-Confidence is to root out these thoughts by finding the “I can’t, because…” messages that are operative for you.

I walked you through this last time, but, as a reminder, these are things you say to yourself, such as:
“I would like to go to the conference but I can’t, because I’m not accomplished enough.” Or “I would like to make more money, but I can’t, because I’m a creative person. Creative people don’t make money.”

Once you identify the limiting beliefs that are lodged in your subconscious, Step 2 tells you to replace them with a higher thought.

Choose to believe in an idea that is based in powerful Universal Truth.

Flip It
The simplest way to find that higher thought to believe in is to flip the I can’t, because message.

This is a two-part process:

1. Instead of saying why you can’t do something, start saying why you can.

For instance, “I want to go to the conference, but I can’t, because I’m not accomplished enough,” becomes, “I want to go to the conference and I can because________”

2. And then you find a reason to put after “because” that is based in Universal Law.

The best Universal Law to employ on a regular basis is the Law of Polarity. This states that if you have an idea or desire the means of attaining that desire is already around you. In fact, you could not have an idea if it were impossible for you to manifest it.

Your New Story
After applying Step 2, your new stories might sound like this:

“I can go to the conference because I am accomplished enough to benefit from it. Otherwise, I would never have had the desire to go. The idea never would have occurred to me.”

And, “I would like to make more money, and I can, because I have that desire; therefore, it must be possible for me as a creative person to make more money.”

More Work to Do
Step 2 is a solid start, but you’re not done yet.

It’s very likely that the ways you think things should be done are also based in your old story.

So while you start telling yourself that you can make more money, and you realize, in fact, that some of the wealthiest people on the planet are creative, you still might not see the results you want.

Because the ways that you apply that new belief, the actions that you take, are still based in your erroneous thinking.

And that’s why rebuilding your unshakeable confidence, and making a lot more money, requires three additional steps.

More on that, of course, next time.

When you were a child, the adults around you either nurtured the self-confidence you were born with — or they tore it down.

Unfortunately, as I’ve said, most people’s natural self-confidence was torn down.

Again, this wasn’t malicious in most cases. Your guardians were trying to keep you safe, and, in the process, taught you to fear.

Luckily, rebuilding your self-confidence is not as difficult as you might imagine. It follows a simple procedure of only a few steps.

I Can’t Because…
The first step to rebuilding your natural self-confidence is to identify the thoughts, stories or beliefs that are running through your subconscious, reinforcing the fear messages you received as a child, and keeping you stuck.

One of the best ways to recognize those thoughts is to find the I can’t because messages that are operative for you.

Let me explain.

Most of us have some variation of this statement running through our minds: “I would like to do this, but I can’t because ____.”

Whatever comes after “because” reveals two things:

1. The circumstances or environment that you are experiencing.

2. And the story that you have about those circumstances or environment.

For instance,

I would like to go to the conference but I can’t because:

…I’m not ready.

…I don’t have the money.

…I’ll just waste the opportunity.

…I’m spending too much time away from my kids as it is.

…I’m not smart enough (or accomplished enough) to play at that level.

Each of those clauses reflect a different limiting belief about why that person can’t go to the conference.

Apply This
Before we go any further, I want you to apply this for yourself. Recognize what I can’t because messages are controlling you.

I would like to ________, but I can’t because _________.

You don’t have to spend a lot of time digging this out. You don’t have to go to a psychiatrist.

Whatever follows “because” tells you exactly why you believe that you can’t do, be or have the thing you want.

Now, chances are you have several I can’t because messages swimming around your subconscious.

So, do the exercise again with a different situation. And then again.

Take this opportunity to ferret out these toxic messages, once and for all.

What to Do Next
You now have a list of 2, 3, 5, 7 harmful messages that you believe. So what do you do now?

First, let me acknowledge that your belief system is your reality and perception of what you’re experiencing. And whatever you’re perceiving is very real to you. I understand that.

The problem is, as long as you’re coming from that kind of thinking, you are allowing the fear messages you learned as a child to undermine your self-confidence, and limit your life.

So Step One is to identify those limiting beliefs, thoughts, or stories that you tell yourself about why you can’t do, be or have what you want.

And Step Two is to replace those thoughts.

I’ll show you how to do that next time.

Last time, I told you that in order to develop unshakeable self-confidence, you have to be in control of you. You have to be your own authority.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

If you’re listening to someone else, you’re not listening to yourself.

You’re ceding your own authority, looking outside of yourself for answers; when, in fact, everything you need to know comes from within.

You Know Best
YOU know better than anyone else who you are and what you need.

But until you recognize that truth, and step into your own authority, you will never lead yourself to a place of 100% self-confidence.

And the steps I’m going to show you over the next few weeks to develop that self-confidence won’t have the desired effect.

So before I move on to that first step, I want you to take this simple quiz to determine if you are in control of yourself and, if not, who is:

Quiz

Are You in Control of You?

1. Do you have the desire to do something that you’re not doing?

Yes or No?

If you answered yes, something or someone else is in control of you. It really is as simple as that.

2. When you feel like doing something, do you tend to talk yourself out of it?

Yes or No?

If you answered yes, again, you’re putting someone else’s agenda over yours.

3. If you aren’t in control of yourself, ask yourself, “Who is?”

Is it a parent? Religious leader? Your spouse?

Whose voice is drowning out your own internal voice?

Who is telling you who you are, what you should be doing, where you should be going and how you should be doing it?

Your inner wisdom is right there for you, trying to guide you in all ways, but most people just aren’t listening.

Fortunately, you have a choice.

Make a Decision
You have the power right now to make a decision that from here on, you’re going to be your own authority and let no one else control you but you.

You have the power to start listening to your internal voice and follow its guidance.

You have the power to say, “This is who I am. This is what I want. This is who I want to be in my life. These are the experiences I want to have. This is how much money I want to make. And here are the ways I want to give back to others in my life.”

Because the truth is, you choose who has the power in your life. And you always have.

I say, choose you.

Be in control of you.

Be your own authority, and you will rekindle the self-confidence that is your birthright.

Too often, our beliefs, values, and the amount of our self-confidence are determined and controlled by people who were of great importance in our past.

That could be our mom, dad, clergy, teacher, aunt, uncle, grandparent; the list goes on and on.

In fact, most of us are trained from the time we’re very young to listen to and obey our elders, the people, who, supposedly, know best.

Very few of us are taught to listen to our own voice, especially when it conflicts with someone who assumes to be in charge of our well-being.

As a result, most people never step into their own authority.

They never test their mettle. They never see the amazing things they’re actually capable of doing.

Father Doesn’t Know Best
Well, the truth is, despite that 50’s sitcom title, father doesn’t know best.

YOU know best.

And you have the ability to do virtually anything that you can wrap your mind around.

However, in order to do so, you have to be in control of you, and not allow the ancient voices of your past—or those of your present—to control you.

What Does It Mean to Be in Control of Me?
It’s so rare for people be in control of their own lives that sometimes they don’t know what that even means.

Being in control of you means being your own authority.

It means that you’re not going to do something because somebody else likes it or doesn’t like it.

It means that the opportunities you accept, the choices you make, are based on what you want for your life. Period.

How Do You Know When Something Is Right for You or Not?
If you want to know if an opportunity would be good for you, just listen to what your internal voice has to say about it.

It will tell you who you are, what you should be doing, where you should be going, and how you should be doing it.

Now, your inner voice may not express itself as the classic, still, small voice that you can hear. It might be a sensation like chills or a knowing or something else.

If you’re not in the habit of listening to yourself, you might find it a challenge in the beginning to recognize your internal voice.

One thing’s for sure, it is not the nattering or hectoring voice in your head. It speaks simply, often in a short sentence or phrase, and usually arises from the gut.

Fortunately, the more you try to listen to your inner voice, the more you will hear it, and the easier it will be to hear.

Likewise, the more you trust its counsel and heed it, the less time you’ll spend making decisions. Because you’ll quickly check in with yourself and you’ll know.

You’ll know, right away, when something is advantageous for you or not.

And the positive impact of that on your business, life, and self-confidence will be phenomenal!