Step into being empowered and everything will shift!
This week's question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.
Fourteen years ago my husband died leaving me to raise our two small children. They have both recently left home to pursue their university studies. I had expected this to be a time of relative freedom for me. My 91-year-old mother lives on her own in a neighboring town and has started to demand much of my (extra) time. I have seven siblings but have been put in the default care position by virtue of geography. Mostly, my out of town siblings don't want to hear about the time and travel and endless phone calls I put in for our mother's emotional and physical care.
Statistics show that my Mom won't be around that much longer. Through all of this I have become extremely frustrated and have considered moving away to force my family to take some responsibility and allow me the freedom I expected. Having just come out of several challenging years as a Realtor, part of me would like to stay and reap the harvest of an improving market.
Stay and wait for the eventuality or move and grab my freedom?
In order for you to make a decision you need to first really “see” what's happening here.
First, if you didn't want to be your mother's caregiver, you wouldn't be. So you need to ask yourself how it's serving you to be the person assuming the majority of the care for your mom.
I'm suspecting that there is a fear within you of actually standing center with your siblings.
What would happen if you simply refused to shoulder the responsibility?
How would they react?
Would that be painful for you?
This is about you getting very clear about what you want for yourself.
If you want the freedom you speak of above, you would have a conversation with your family and work out a solution to this problem rather than running away from it.
If they refuse to help, a possible solution may even be to hire in-home care and split the costs between the siblings.
You shouldn't need to move to create an excuse for voicing what you think or feel. That's simply avoidance of the real issue, and nothing good can come from it.
Step into being empowered and everything will shift.
PS: The Neagle Code: DIRECTIONS for LIFE is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone! Each week, I'll select and personally respond to one question received via the above “The Neagle Code” page that I feel in my heart will help the most people. (You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.) It is my deep, heartfelt intention that ~ in answering your questions ~ I may provide you with the Universal Truths that in committed application, will set you free. Simply submit YOUR burning question at: www.TheNeagleCode.com to participate.
PPS: May I ask you to help me spread the word about this program? Is there someone you care for who is stuck, or struggling, or lost, or unhappy? Because if so, I would very much like to help. No matter their question, no matter their predicament, no matter if they've never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help via www.TheNeagleCode.com, my Team and I will do our very best to provide that help.
“So you need to ask yourself how it’s serving you to be the person assuming the majority of the care for your mom.”
Amen to that!
The devil’s in the details, because we can get so bogged down with them we don’t look at the bigger picture – been there, done that.
When I was eight years old me & my mum had a grand-slam of homelessness, bereavement, illnesses, and then grinding poverty for a few years, just to top things off – I spent YEARS as an adult trying to make it all make sense, second-guessing the choices the adults in my life had made, blaming and forgiving in cycles, trying to heal the bits that caused problems, etc, but it was ALL about the details – and I got nowhere, and still had a head full of confusion and pain.
It was only when I looked at the bigger picture of WHY I chose – on a soul-level, obviously, not crying-child level – to experience those things, to allow myself to be that crying child, that I got an empowering answer that gave me total closure and also helped put the rest of my life in context.
To do it, and this is only recent, I had to take a leap of faith that there was Power in it for me – that letting go of residues of blame etc, would pay me back – and oh, boy, has it. I walk taller, breathe deeper, feel lighter, and have come even closer to understanding my life’s purpose/s!
It seems to me that whatever is going on, it’s never about the external “who,” “what,” “when” & “where” levels, and it’s always, ALWAYS about the deeper personal question of “why.”
Thanks for sharing Miss C. As usual you offer great insight here and courage in sharing your story with us. I appreciate that.
Thank YOU most sincerely David for playing a large part in facilitating those insights! Loving the videos on YouTube!
This is a great post, and very timely for me! I am going through something similar, having moved back home for a better job after living in a different city for the past 11 years (I am 30 years old). I am an only child, and since having moved back, have some family members who (positioned out of (conditional) love) want to control how I spend my time and where I go–because they don’t want to be away from me anymore (their biggest fear is that I will leave them and move away again). However, I am a grown adult and have my own life to live.
I will help them when I can, and spend time with them 1-2 days a week, but I also need my own space to experience life. It is certainly difficult to balance responsibility with my own need for freedom…but it comes down to setting boundaries and knowing that I can’t take care of other people unless I take the time to care for myself. Being selfless actually requires getting a little selfish sometimes–and confidently/courageously saying “no.” (Especially challenging for women, I think).
The key is in the boundary Christine, because occasionally people closest to you will attempt to cross it. You do have your own life to lead and are not responsible for anyone other than yourself. Now, that may sound a bit harsh, but the truth is that you can pitch in where you can but only on your terms. Be strong in your No, there is power in that word. Thanks for the post.
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You are welcome Andrea. Glad you find them informative. We do our best!