I want my wife to grow too…
This week's question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from Steven.
I have been struggling for some time to replace the limiting beliefs that were holding me in an endless loop. I meditated on it and repeated affirmations. I made new contacts with myself and people whom I know have the knowledge to help me to move into the world that I have been desiring. My question is, how can I help my wife to move with me instead of against me in this effort? I love her and don't want to leave her and our family, however I feel that every time I make headway in the direction of my aspirations, she keeps me from making that final leap of faith to actually start accumulating wealth, and we fall back into the debt habits and I have to start all over. Help me help her, please!
Thanks for your question, Steven.
First, your wife's personal growth is not your responsibility.
I know that may seem harsh, but it's a selfish thing to force someone to change who does not want to change.
We are all responsible for our own growth, and there are those who welcome the change, and others who have no desire to change.
Your only responsibility is to accept her for who she is, and then ask your self if you want to be partners with someone who doesn't want to change. And I think it's important to for you to understand that no one can hold you down, unless you allow yourself to be held down.
With this in mind, ask yourself how it's serving you to allow her to hold you back.
Don't say it doesn't, because if it didn't serve you in someway, you wouldn't be experiencing the situation.
In any healthy relationship, both people should have the room and freedom that they need to foster their own growth. You have a responsibility to yourself to pursue your dreams, and if she doesn't agree; she has the option to leave the relationship.
As Vernon Howard so eloquently states, “Behave the way you really are, even if it ends a relationship. Never suppress yourself in an effort to influence, hold, or win someone. When we are unreal, so are our rewards. To say this in another way, never behave the way you think the other person wants you to behave, but in the manner you must. Nothing you really need to do or have ever requires a yielding to a person or custom.”
Your relationships will only affect your ability to manifest if you're not true to yourself.
Advice I needed to hear David. Thank you for taking a strong stand on this.
You’re welcome Rosemary. One’s personal growth is not tied to anyone else, which is the lesson that I cannot stress enough. I appreciate the post.
David, the biggest, most significant and life-perspective changing struggle ended for me at one of your events. No on else, including myself can describe what was illustrated in that event that shifted my perspective as well as someone having that direct experience. I understand what you wrote to Steven, yet I also understand that Steven might want to have his wife experience a shift that you have brought to so many. Before jumping ship, perhaps her presence at the applicable David Neagle event or private coaching with you would be in order. Maybe David is too close to her and not expert enough quite yet. Maybe the Art of Success would be a good start. Just say’n / think’n
Thanks Mo. Inevitably it boils down to how much Steven wants to grow and whether he can do it with the one he loves. We certainly encourage all those around us to continually do what makes you happy, and focusing on growth and abundance is paramount.
I meant maybe Steven is too close in his wife’s eyes – yet you would not be. Who else can explain these things like you anyhow – so many have the essence – yet you are the one that Steven (I and so many others) have felt a life change because -POINT: His wife should meet you.
I would love to meet her Mo. Thanks for sharing your life changing experience with us as it inspires others to do the same.
My question is why is ending a relationship or jumping ship , always the option. In most of the cases one partner begins the journey towards positivity or spirituality or LoA , whatever you may call it, then when the other partner sees the results & follow suit. But in the beg they all usually think what is this energy , meditation , positive words etc mumbo jumbo. I feel that when we are fully cleared from inside and have fully & completely absorbed & understood the LoA concepts and we are coming, speaking & acting from our true infinite self – our partners will believe and start following us ( after seeing the results we produce). So do the clearing from inside ;the outside will clear on its own. I have the same issue but I keep working on these principles and I know my husband will help me and start working with me soon. Just keep saying the H’oppponno lines- I love you, thank you , I am sorry, please forgive me and clear your inside. hope it helps
It is not the only option Kavita, but it is an option nonetheless. If your partner or spouse is willing to join you on the journey than that is fantastic and I am very happy for that. However, if you have to drag them into anything than likely you will have to drag them through everything along the way. That is not a road you wish to go down in the long run. Thanks for the post.
I think this is great advice, and I have to thank you both…this discussion has made me realize how lucky I am to have my husband, Jim. I have been with unsupportive people in the past, and also made the mistake of bending myself into a pretzel to be what the man in my life wanted me to be. Jim loves me just as I am and sees the best in me. He does the opposite of holding me back; he challenges to be my highest self, celebrates my talents and believes I can do anything, even when I don’t. We were both in our 40s when we met, and all our friends and family on both sides despaired of either of us ever getting married. How right I was to wait for someone who would be my biggest fan and supporter. And I am the same for him.
I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone, and be happy…I’m glad I don’t have to now, but I still think than unless you can share your life with someone who holds the space for you to reach your best and highest potential, while loving you in all your imperfections, it’s better to be alone.
When I get down on myself of things that have not turned out as I planned, I need to remember this amazing blessing!! Thanks for reminding me.
You are welcome Lisa! Congratulations on finding such a supportive person in your life and I cannot wait to see how far you go. The sky is certainly not the limit…
Somehow, it reminds me of the two women complaining, “The food is so bad and what’s worse, the portions are so small.” We are afraid someone who can’t support us will leave — it’s sick and twisted, yet it works and seems to make sense!
Nothing to fear Barbara as fear is a lie. The truth is we have all we need in us, but is so great to share that with someone who is aligned with our beliefs and dreams. Thanks for sharing.
David, I always respect your “down to earth” responses with compassion. However, I can so relate to this man’s problem.
The issue is that your life becomes a downward cycle where you feel so trapped it is hard to grab on to that rope which will pull you free to see what it is your really want without guilt. You want “freedom.”
You have a spouse who is very good at pushing buttons that destroy progress just as you are feeling really good. Then you gather up strength knowling and understanding exactly what needs to be done and then history repeats itself.
The problem is that it leaves you searching for the one magical moment that sets you free and it just does not seem to appear.
“It will, I just know it”
I’d start Donna by really looking at what you want in your life. If freedom is what you desire, then is this person who is with you taking you closer to that? I read in your post words like “trapped” and “guilt” and “pushing buttons” and instantly see a victim mentality that needs to be broken. What does your magical moment look like? Just saying it is not enough to bring it into your awareness; you must take the necessary steps to change it. I wish you luck on the journey.
Thanks so much for your response. It is applicable to so many other areas of my life, where I stop myself and find that I am wondering what other people will think. And in the end, I am the one who is not living my authentic self. I look forward to taking the advice you offer in your response and soaring in my own life.
Thank you again.
Stephanie Wellington, MD, Your Preemie Parent Coach
Thanks Stephanie. Be true to who you are and keep making decisions based on where you want to be, not where you currently are. What anyone else thinks matters not; it is what you think!
Great post and comments.
“Make decisions based on where you WANT to be, not where you currently are.” This is difficult to practice, but once we become AWARE and commit to do it, it works wonders.
Thanks Lalitha. It may seem difficult but it really isn’t; once the decision is made. Appreciate the post.
Leaving a relationship is never an option for reasons discussed here. Marriage is a covenant. Covenants are for life. The time to examine the relationship is before entering that covenant, not after.
David, the word covenant means agreement. A marriage is an agreement between two people and if those people also believe in God as part of that agreement then they are agreeing to make their marriage a spiritual practice and God is agreeing to bless that marriage. We cannot control our partner in a marriage and while I agree with you that the time to examine a relationship is before we get married, many people don’t do this and many people also go through changes after they get married. When one person decides they no longer wish to honor their agreement it really doesn’t matter that their partner still wants to or that they hold their covenant sacred their partner has decided not too. You cannot force someone to stay married to you, not cheat on you or not abuse you just because of idealized thinking and value systems. When these things and other major points of separation occur so does the death of the marriage. Thus the life of the marriage is over.
Thanks to your podcasts my husband decided that he is new person who is true to himself and decided to divorce me. BTW it happened 9 days after second baby was born. Now my family is broken due to your advice.