For better or for worse?
This week's question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from an individual who wishes to remain anonymous.
I am in a very painful relationship, and I know that I am responsible for it. I have been trying for a year now to work on myself (with many methods) but there is no improvement. My biggest confusion arises in me because I don't understand if I should leave the relationship or if I work enough on myself I will find myself happiness and in peace in this relationship. Can you clarify this for me?
Thanks for your question.
Have you ever heard the saying that people come in to our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime?
It's the truth, and knowing when to release a relationship can be a difficult decision.
If you're in a relationship with an abusive person, you can work on yourself for years and it still won't change them, and really it's not your right to try to change them.
You have to ask yourself why you're choosing to stay in the relationship if it's been so painful.
How is it serving you?
Are you a hope addict?
Are you staying the relationship in the hopes that your partner will change and everything will get better?
Are you afraid to be alone?
In a healthy relationship, both people have to be willing to work on themselves to achieve a joint goal. If one person is not willing to grow, over time it will create a wedge in the relationship, and it will flounder and fail.
Are you and your partner on the same page or are you changing who you are and sacrificing what you want to “make” the relationship work?
Answering these questions will help you see if it's time to leave.
Please keep in mind, if you are being abused in ANY way, you must make every effort to stop the abuse by putting up boundaries or you must leave the relationship. Period.
Remember, you may be responsible for the attracting all the relationships in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship if it is no longer serving you.
P.S: The Neagle Code: DIRECTIONS for LIFE is a weekly no-cost program that is open to everyone! Each week, I'll select and personally respond to one question received via the above “The Neagle Code” page that I feel in my heart will help the most people. (You may choose to remain anonymous if you wish, with our full support.) It is my deep, heartfelt intention that ~ in answering your questions ~ I may provide you with the Universal Truths that in committed application, will set you free. Simply submit YOUR burning question at: www.TheNeagleCode.com to participate.
P.P.S.: May I ask you to help me spread the word about this program? Is there someone you care for who is stuck, or struggling, or lost, or unhappy? Because if so, I would very much like to help. No matter their question, no matter their predicament, no matter if they've never heard of me before … if they would like to ask for help via www.TheNeagleCode.com, my Team and I will do our very best to provide that help.
Great advice all around David. I know that it’s hard to let go of a relationship, that somehow doing so feels like you failed, but like you said, relationships come to us for growth and if we have achieved that growth and it’s not serving us anymore, we need to let go and trust that someone who reflects our growth will come if that’s what we desire.
Thanks Leah. It is a painful process to see someone resist growth but all you can do is move forward yourself. Some people just refuse to hear that, likely because they feel shame around the perception of ‘failing’. If that is the case, there is so much more work to be done. Appreciate the post.
Thank you so much for your answer, the reason why I am continuing in this relationship is that in some way I got to believe that if I can heal myself , he will be also healed, and If I am not using this relationship that is triggering me and I get in touch with my shadow and heal that part, I will keep attracting into my life the exact same persons.And a huge part of me consider leaving him as a big fail for me.
And yes the reasons that you said sounds also true for me. I am hope addict,I hope that my partner will change and everything will get better, I am afraid to live alone(lately I worked a lot on this and I am less and less afraid of this)
Your answer helped me a lot on clearing my mind , and If till now I was beating myself up that I didn’t change myself enough, I didn’t heal enough so that I can make this relationship work , now I see that it doesn’t mean that I failed , I just have to learn from this and move on in whatever direction sounds to be in peace for me.
Daniela, just know that this comes from a place of love and nothing more. Hear me when I say you cannot change someone; you can only aspire to grow. If the person in the relationship makes their choice to join you then that is great. However, using the language from above will only serve to keep you in the toxicity.
Also, be aware that this is not to be viewed as a failure but rather as an opportunity for you to grow. You are not responsible for how other people feel or judge that, period. That is for them to work on, not you.
I am going to take a different side and comment that maybe you should still stay in the relationship a bit longer. I say that because it might still be “serving you” in the way that you can use it to fix those trigger points. You definitely need to throw out any hope of the other person fixing their issues as well but that doesn’t mean that they wont if you really do fix your issues.
I have been in a relationship lately that had a lot of triggering situations that just caused toxic problems and there were points that I questioned if I should be in it. But I listened to my heart and was very aware of the environment around us. I knew she was right for me and it seemed that things still supported and happened in ways to bring us together. When problems came up, I stuck to my guns and fixed the issues that were plainly MY PROBLEM in how I RESPONDED. Now when things happen, I respond correctly and the situation doesn’t go toxic. In fact she responds better as well and I have noticed that she changed. There were lessons she learned through this. Things aren’t 100% perfect still but we are working towards heaven on earth and I still believe the relationship served me well… in fact it might truly be “the one” because my heart still speaks to it and I see support for us everywhere.
So, all I am saying is if you think you can clear up your junk in this relationship and deal with the toxic parts, then use what the universe gave you. If after you clean everything if the other person hasn’t joined you or still causes toxic situations, then you need to leave because you are here for YOU not them. Love them and help them achieve greatness, if they are willing to take the lead. Otherwise just love them as you search onward for your greatness.
Sound advice Christiaan, and it seemed to work for you. Don’t misunderstand though; I am not interested in one person leaving another. What I imply here is that in order to heal oneself we cannot depend on others; it must come from within us. Do we value the support? Absolutely, but it should not be based on that alone. Perhaps in stepping outside of the situation and seeing more clearly how the relationship is serving this individual it can provide the clarity for moving forward in growth. However, waiting around for the toxicity to deepen only makes it more difficult to cease it and walk away. Referring to the four questions when making this decision can help tremendously.
I think you make a great point — “You have to ask yourself why you’re choosing to stay in the relationship if it’s been so painful. How is it serving you? Are you a hope addict?”
I think in the past, I’ve chosen to drag out bad relationships because I was addicted to being a victim. I was also addicted to “fighting bullies,” trying to win the respect of people who would never respect me no matter how many great things I achieved.
Time to release all of that craziness, and become “addicted to respecting MYSELF.”
Time to break that victim mentality Michelle; and by the sounds of that you are well on your way. It takes guts to step out there with what you voiced here, but it will make all the difference moving forward if you recognize it for what it truly is. Focus on growth and pay no mind to that which is going on around you. Attract brightness into your life in the relationships you seek and deny negativity. Then and only then will you achieve your breakthrough. I appreciate your post.
You are one hundred percent on base. It is a very touchy area. For me I learned in this relationship that it must all come from inside me because I did always try to see an outside perspective on what was happening and saw the patterns and how to adjust my response. But, you really have to be a person that can do that, and not everyone can especially in the middle of all the issues. Thank you for the link to the questions again, it helps remind me in a current situation I am dealing with.
It is touchy Christiaan, but mainly because we consider this a difficult issue to address. The truth is that we must surround ourselves with individuals who support our growth. Be careful of looking outside yourself for perspective because our heart never lies. It is difficult for sure, but necessary. You’re welcome for the questions and thank you for the posts.
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I was in abusive relationships and saw a counsellor, and he saved me! He told me, in an abusive relationship it will always be a roller coaster. You hope he will get better (or she will get better), he will get better for a while, you will be happy and loving, and then he will abuse you again. Then he will apologize, bring you flowers, you will be happy again, etc. etc. And you don’t leave because you keep hoping that one time it will be the last time that he abuses you. But that last time will never come. He became abusive before he ever met you, and you can’t save him because he doesn’t want to be saved or helped, or change.
Just save yourself, respect yourself. You’re not responsible for your partner’s decisions.
I don’t agree that you must stay in the relationship in order to learn everything that you need to learn from it before you leave. You can leave first, and then reflect upon what you have learnt from the relationship afterwards. And in the meantime, you are safe and away from abuse.
I see that this post was from several months ago. I hope you are doing much better now. I send you all my wishes for good luck and a good outcome!