Sleeping with the negative
This week's question from my portal “The Neagle Code: Directions for Life” comes from Bernadette.
This person in my life sees the negative in every situation and people. If he does say something good or nice about people he ends it with a negative. How do you handle a situation like this?
I think it's important to understand that you don't have to “handle” the situation.
I think a better question to ask yourself is, “Why am I choosing to have this negative person in my life?“
There are 2 things we need to understand.
1) This person has every right to be negative and judgmental, and it's not anyone else's responsibility or right to change him/her.
2) When you're around someone who is negative it is very hard for you to consciously reject their thoughts and feelings, and pretty soon you may find yourself uttering those same negative words. You are influenced by the people around you whether you want to admit it or not.
My mentor refused to spend time with people who are negative and lack-minded, because he knew they had the ability to change his thinking without him even realizing it, and I feel the same way.
So are you choosing to spend time with this person in hopes of changing them?
Are you afraid to remove yourself from this negative person's life?
Get very honest with yourself…
It all boils down to making a decision based upon what's in your best interest understanding that everyone else has the right to think, live and believe whatever they choose.
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Wow, what a wake up call reading this. Very fortunately for me, I do not have anyone in my life that is like this anymore. My ex-husband was exactly like this and I guess that was one of the reasons I left, without me realizing it.
Thanks for the comments Mary-Ellen.
Well said David! The freedom that comes from exiting negative relationships is life affirming.
Thank you Victoria. It definitely is quite freeing when you realize that you and you alone are responsible for who is in your life. I appreciate the post.
I love this advice David. It is so true that being around negativity influences our thinking. We don’t have the right to change anyone else and we do have the right to choose those we spend time with.
Thanks for the post Rosemary. All we can change is who we choose to surround ourselves with.
What if that person is your Mom?
Unfortunately, sometimes our family members can be the most toxic people in our lives. Your parents did the best they could with what they were aware of, but now, as an adult, you need to choose whose voices and opinions you want to allow in your life. This doesn’t mean that you love them less, on the contrary, you’re respecting their right to think the way they choose. However, you may want to consider spending less and less time with them. If that’s hard for you to imagine, I suggest you take a deep look into your relationship, as there’s a good chance you’re looking to get something from them (approval, acceptance, etc) which is co-dependant.
Susan, thank you for asking my question! I’m working on my codependence and self-esteem.
I have a very significant, long-term friend, whose positive energy has inspired some of the greatest moments of my life and whose negative energy has inspired some of the most devastating. As time went by, he seemed to become more and more negative, and our relationship became more and more difficult. And then one day I realized that all I ever thought about was his disappointing negative outlooks and behaviors. I changed my thinking to focus on his many positive aspects, which had once upon a time so smitten me with him. In a rather short period of time, his displays of negativity all but vanished to me, and he seemed to experience a renaissance of positivity, not only in his behavior, but in his experiencing of positive events in his life.
Wow Lynn, that is quite the transformation. Thank you for sharing your experience, and for manifesting the positives in the situation. In this it is important to remember that you were the creator, and brought into your life what you wanted as far as positivity. I appreciate the post.
And how do you CHOOSE not to hang around if it is a family member like a sibling or parent? I believe the strategy you are offering is great for people outside our family members.
You would choose to hang around your family the same way you choose to hang around your friends.
Hi, Mr David,greetings from Portugal 🙂
( note: sorry bad english)
I identyfied myself with Bernardette and i complete understand your answer .I believe i have attracted into my reality negative persons. But i feel i can’t go away from them( husband and my mother) because i feel soo terribly stuck. And lost, too.(Like being in a cement pool..)I’m married for 17 years,stay home mum,( i’ve been in college) have 3 boys,and during those years till now i forgot myself.Don’t exist like a person. Now i want to start to live, and i’m so lost. I develop some severe social phobia and closed myself because i couldn’t face the redness and panic in my face. So inside grows up the limiting belief that i will never have a job, i will never have money( because i’m totally financialy dependent). I want so much get out of this marriage, i want to be free…i read all books, i learn hipnose,..quantum healing,..i’m soo tired..and feel helpless. I’m sorry.I have no one to talk. Thank you for your time.
I’ve heard of you in a teleseminar. I wish you all the best.
Frederica, it takes tremendous courage to say what you’re saying, but even more courage to change the story. Ask yourself how these negative relationships are serving you at the moment, and what you have to do to move into more positive things in your life. I’d start by changing your language, because one is never truly helpless since you always have a choice. What you do from here determines where you will be in the future. Start by making little decisions and grow from there. I wish you all the best as well.
The part you did not address is that sometimes we have no choice about being around negative people. For example, if you work with someone like that, you don’t usually have the option to keep them away from you. It’s even harder if that negative person is your mother or your boss. And if you HAVE to deal with them or be nice to them, then a suggestion for dealing with them, still keeping your job or relationship, AND keeping the negativity out of your head, would be great.
You ALWAYS have a choice. If the negative person is your boss and you’re working in a toxic environment, you need to ask yourself why you’re still working there? Is it a decision based in lack or fear of not finding another job? You see, it’s very difficult to keep negativity out of your head. If you’re not actively rejecting those thoughts (verbally), they will sink into your sub-conscious without you even realizing it. I’m sure you’ve experienced it before. You’re around a negative person, and although you don’t agree with them, you don’t voice your opinion. The the next day you notice that you’re suddenly thinking those negative or lack thoughts. If you’re in a situation where people are negative and not respecting your boundaries, you can make it clear that you’re not open to discussing the topic by simply saying, “You know, I’m really not now nor will I ever be, open to having this conversation.” This works great with family members as well.
Oh, this is such a timely question. What if the person that is so negative is your boss. One that works side by side with you 5 days a week and talks constantly. It is a small work environment. My boss is exactly as you described. I love my job but the negativity is maddening.
Are you currently looking for alternate employment? I would suggest you do so. Be very careful not to give any signs of agreement when your boss is being negative. Until you can change your situation, I suggest you attempt to distance yourself from them, and set clear boundaries as to what you are willing to discuss and what you are not willing to discuss.